Well it is now 20 years on, and here we are my boet.

And tonight our president will take a break from impregnating the women of our nation to impregnate us with pride in what we have achieved in 20 years. The king of swing will fill us in on what is happening. Apparently he will speak to us in his capacity as head of state not head of government. Security would be advised to check the podium beforehand in case someone is hiding in there to give him some head. Anyway, let’s move ahead.

In case you are unable to tune in at 7pm, here is a brief summary of the state of the nation:

Dear friends

The nation is in a state. A state of change, a state of confusion, a state of emancipation, a state of anticipation. Our roads are in a hell of a state. Some of the Free State is underwater. Let me state categorically that all of these states are merely pigments of your imagination. Here are the actual facts:

• Vehicle hijackings have decreased. However, the whole country has been hijacked by FIFA for a good part of 2010.
• Crime is down but fear of crime has increased thanks to the negative media and UK company Protektorvest offering knife proof vests to soccer tourists.
• The Garden Route is parched and Gauteng is flooded.
• The recession is still causing a fair amount of depression.
• The stock market stinks. The rand is looking pretty grand.
• The gap between rich and poor has increased, as it has in many other similar countries in the world.
• Cape Town has just been voted one of the top 6 most beautiful cities in the world by Forbes magazine.
• We still have some of the bluest skies in the world.
• The new soccer stadiums are magnificent and reason to be proud
• Cadbury’s chocolate is still way better than any imported Swiss stuff.
• Mrs Balls could be the funniest name for a food company in the world.
• We have not lost our innate ability to laugh at ourselves.

What makes our nation so special is that we live life to the full, every minute, every hour, every day. We suck the marrow from the bones of life and seize the day, (because we never know if we will still be alive tomorrow.) Our lives are rich, complex, challenging and interesting. We speak 11 different languages yet strive to be one nation. Somehow, despite the odds, we manage to unite in crisis and support each other. We also try to help the rest of the world, with organisations such as Gift of the Givers making a major contribution in Haiti.

There is something so special about this country and its people. I cannot articulate what it is because it is ethereal, energetic, emotional and indescribable. But those who live here and those who visit us can sense it, feel it, experience it. It is the combined energy of 358 years of history – turbulent, violent, passionate and pioneering. It is the hopes and dreams born in the dusty townships and corporate boardrooms. It is the tremendous, ground breaking innovations and inventions like Heart Transplants, CAT scan machines, Oil from Coal, 128 bit security encryption, the Kreepy Krauly, Vuvuzela and Vuyo’s Wors. It is our honesty, our creativity, our humility and our tenacity that make me proud to be a citizen of this great nation.

This is the state of the nation. We are not the United States but we stand united.

Now that’s AYOBA!

Our new leader you are

From humble beginnings

You’ve really come far.

And now is your time

To shine and be strong

And make a real difference

And prove them all wrong.

We hope you will show us

The man that you are

With the mind of a politician

And the voice of a rock star.

The ladies will swoon

And many will say

That you use much less botox

Than Zille of the DA.

You’ve shrugged off the charges

You’ve given us hope

You even have managed

To fight off the COPE.

We hope you are firm

We hope you are fair

We hope you will never

Put colour in your hair.

We hope you can calm us

When voices are shrill

We hope you get along with

Patricia de Lille.

As well as the opposition

Who will question you so

And challenge your decisions

To ensure that we grow.

For we really do need you

And you really need us

But who really needs

The Freedom Front Plus?

Our politicians are many

Their ideas are too

But it’s not what they say

It’s about what they DO!

We want you to solve

The serious dilemma

Of that very strange man

Called Julius Malema.

And also the Taxis

Who break all the rules

And endanger our lives

And drive like real fools.

We need lots of jobs

And houses and things

And maybe in our parks

For the kids, some swings?

We need much less crime

And violence and fear

And much less of those who

Make corruption their career.

We want service delivery

And efficiency and speed

And competent people

We do urgently need.

To run the departments

Which impact the lives

Of our sons and our daughters

And our parents and wives.

And Africa she needs us

To show her the way

Out of gradual decline

And rapid decay.

But don’t try to fix Africa

By neglecting the South

As was tried by Mbeki

With his pipe in his mouth.

Our economy is strong

And it can still get stronger

If the minister of finance

Could just stay a bit longer?

Cause we want this to work

And we need you to win

And make better lives for those

Who voted you in.

Without grabbing the farmland

Without calling for war

Without making the mistakes

Of Mad Bob next door.

We’re a Banana Republic

I’m hearing some say

But I think we are more like

A Choc Nut sundae.

With some white and some brown

And some nuts in between

And a warm, rich black topping

With a dollop of cream.

So we hope you’re a fighter

Who will fight the good fight

For the blacks and the coloureds

And indians and whites

We hope you will lead us

With vision and grace

So we can become

A much better place.

Yes you are our leader

And we wish you the best

As the next few years

Put you to the test.

So we send you best wishes

And hope you do well

And as they say in the classics

ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

Good Luck Msholozi!